Last night before I fell asleep I had random thoughts about my grandparents countryside house, so today I did some searching online, curious if there are any interesting photos from this village, and I ended up on google streetview. I went through entire lenght of the village, it triggered a lot of memories, it was strange to see how many summer cottages are now along the main road. Well, I knew it - me and my family visit this place sometimes, my uncle has small house on his part of grandparents possesion, but it was still a bit weird. There was only local people's houses and fields back in the times when I visited every summer (cottages started to appear in my late teens-eartly twenties, but not so many as now). I managed to find our old house on satelite photo. It's in the forest near the lake, no street view in there ;) It made me so nostalgic. There is so many memories in that place, some of my most precious and important ones. I had my own world in there. I still have, in some ways, in my mind, and sometimes I can see it there, in places that haven't changed much. I think this nostalgic journey has a lot to do with me dealing with my grandparents deaths. I still miss them a lot. I made peace with the fact that they're gone, but I think even thirty or forty years from now, if someone's ask me, I would say that I wish they were here. And this place is so permanently connected with them in my mind. When I recall image of my grandma from back when I was a child, I can see powerful earth goddes, big as world, standing on this land, and my grandpa was quiet stargazer with thousand stories about faraway lands. It was all connected. I guess what I'm trying to say really, is that this place hold some meaning of home, spiritual inner motherland, place of origin, that unfamiliar, unknown place to long for. I have quite clear ideas of what "home" is in this meaning, and a lot of home was there. I think it's part of the reasons I'm trying to push my life in direction of recreating this, or rather creating something new with that feeling.
Okay, I think I managed to get to the reasons why I went looking for this place online in first place. Now look, this red thing in the circle is our old house. (blue thing right to it is uncle's new house, back in the days entire rectangular of trees was our garden)
Now shortly about my life lately. I sorted things out with my eating, now I'm treating myself a lot better and eat a lot of healthy vegan food. I'm feeling better too, some minor problems are still present but they slowly fading away. I have therapist now and I feel good about it. I really need it after all unpleasent things in my life and so much stress lately. I think I'm in the place where I can move on from. I'm feeling productive and I'm using it to do a lot of things (most of them rather mundane, but essential in life). Some days are worse, when I feel sad or just a little low, but I never expected recovery to be straight line, and in bigger picture I can see progress (in both mental and physical health). I'm also feeling more open about people lately. I love solitude, I love to spend time alone, but I don't like to be lonely and now I understand it. I'm seeing people and it's nice, especially because they're fandom people too. I just think there is lack of nature-loving-hippie type of people among my friends (in here, because I know such people from around the world). I'm still a bit clueless in "how I meet new people" field, but maybe I'll manage ;) So, yes, I think I miss someone with whom I could sit somewhere in the nature and talk about plants, universe andplans for eco future. maybe, when my health improve some more (and I'll be more fit - my condition still isn't the best, I need to change it) I will travel to meet some of my internet friends ;)